Went for the burn — October 23, 2019

Went for the burn

One night last week, I ate freezer burned, generic frozen pancakes for supper. And I did so willingly.

The meal’s origin story begins, as do many of my stories, with a trip to Super Dollar. Or, as the store is known around my mom’s house, FD.

As I strolled through FD on that early spring day, I had a smidgen of a hankering for pancakes. As I eat pancakes only once every three or four years, I didn’t think it made sense to buy pancake mix that would eventually turn to dust in my pantry. So, I tossed a box of generic frozen pancakes into my shopping cart.

Upon my return home, I tossed the box into my freezer, where it remained unopened. Then, one night in early summer, I had a full-blown hankering for pancakes. So, I tossed three into the microwave and, later, onto my plate where I applied spray fake butter to them and moistened them with generic syrup.

Although they weren’t as fluffy or as tasty as pancakes produced by a mix or purchased at a restaurant, they were good enough. In fact, they fulfilled the hankering. Indeed, I didn’t consider eating pancakes again until nearly four months later.

That brings us to last week. When I couldn’t decide what to eat for supper, I recalled a coworker saying she had made pancakes the previous evening. That sounded good enough, so I headed to the freezer.

After I heated the pancakes accordingly, applied spray fake butter to them, and moistened them with generic syrup, I used a fork and knife to cut them into dainty bites.

And when I took the first bite, I flashed back to an episode of “The Facts of Life” and paraphrased the character, Jo, by asking, “Is this what freezer burn tastes like?”

At that point, I could have tossed the pancakes into the trash and found something else for supper. After all, believe it or not, but freezer burned food doesn’t become more appetizing the longer you eat it. But I had gone to all that trouble to make the pancakes. Besides, in case I’ve never mentioned it, I don’t like to waste.

So, I ate every bite. When I finished, I said, “Well, at least it was a meal.”

Then, my voice of reason, which sounds like Tommy Lee Jones, said, “No, that wasn’t a meal. That was freezer burned, generic frozen pancakes.”

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

In a nutshell — October 16, 2019

In a nutshell

Last week, a Pittsburgh woman stopped at the library to return movies and detected a “burning” odor emanating from her car. Noting that the car had also been making a “weird” noise, she popped the car’s hood and discovered oodles of walnuts, as well as grass, nestled among her car’s innards.

It was later determined that more than 200 walnuts were under the hood. While it appears that no one thought to weigh the grass, it was also determined – or maybe just assumed – that enterprising squirrels had stored the walnuts and grass in the car. And they had done so in only a few days.

According to news reports, it took nearly an hour to rid the car of the nuts and grass. What’s more, when mechanics later removed the car’s protective plate, more nuts fell from underneath the engine. Luckily, the car suffered no damage.

The same can’t be said for the squirrels. What are they going to eat this winter? Apparently, they read and understood the moral of “The Ant and the Grasshopper.” Still, all their hard work went for naught.

Of course, I have to question the wisdom of selecting a car as a pantry. So many things could go wrong. What if the car’s owner moved or sold the car? What if you – an enterprising squirrel – became trapped under the hood whilst retrieving said nuts and ended up taking an unplanned trip? Or what if the nuts and grass caused some sort of non-damaging burning sensation that led to the removal of said nuts and grass?

The presence of the grass also makes me wonder if the squirrels planned to squat in the car during the winter. If so, it further proves that they did not put a lot of thought into this endeavor.

They also didn’t learn their lesson. They day after the 200-plus nuts were found, they stored more nuts in the car.

Although I admire the speed at which the squirrels worked, I once again must question their judgment. First of all, didn’t they immediately notice that their oodles of nuts were missing? Second of all, why didn’t that lead them to deduce that maybe they shouldn’t use that there car as a pantry?

Regardless, I feel bad for the squirrels. It’s similar to the feeling I have when I sweep away spiderwebs. Spiders go to all that trouble weaving those webs so they can catch unsuspecting insects and then it’s all gone in one or two swipes.

Then again, I guess I am saving the lives of unsuspecting insects. But what are the spiders going to eat?

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Mutual fund — October 9, 2019

Mutual fund

One morning in the not-so-distant past, a friend shared her daughter’s fundraising packet with me. Recognizing my fondness for baked goods, said friend pointed out that the merchandise included cookie dough.

With smugness dripping from my words, I said, “I don’t buy cookie dough. I make my own.”

Fast forward seven hours. That’s when my niece shared her daughter’s, my great-niece’s, fundraising packet. With excitement radiating from my words, I said, “She’s selling cookie dough? Great! I’ll take one of each!”

To my defense, I didn’t take one of each. I ordered only chocolate chip dough. What’s more, I also placed an order for treat boxes with my friend’s daughter.

I share this with you to demonstrate that we’ll do the darndest things for the kids in our lives and to show that I’m not troubled at all when parents or students try to sell me something.

For some reason, however, when parents make their sales pitches, they also add the disclaimer that I shouldn’t feel I have to make a purchase. No worries there. My great-niece also sold mums this year, but she didn’t sell one to Antie Cookie. I don’t like mums and, as far as I know, she neither attends high school nor plays football.

Anyway, just last week, a coworker brought a fundraising packet to the office. At first, thinking the merchandise comprised only popcorn, I was prepared to decline the request. But when I saw that it also included those little peanut butter bears my nieces enjoy, I said, “Great! I’ll buy a box!” (It seems we will also do the darndest things for the adult kids in our lives.)

I also ordered Crazy Bread from yet another friend who, I should add, tried her best to talk me out of making the purchase. But as I explained to her, how could I pass up the opportunity to make authentic Crazy Bread in my kitchen. It’s similar to why I ordered the cookie dough, which I can keep refrigerated for months whilst making a few cookies here and there. It’s a win-win-win for the school, the student, and me.

Of course, I don’t want you to think I’m easy. For example, unless I’m buying one to bestow as a gift, I’m probably not going to purchase a candle. Or cutlery. Or bowls. Or wrapping paper. Or makeup. Or jewelry. Or knickknacks. Or, well, you get the picture.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Mercury is retrograde — September 18, 2019

Mercury is retrograde

Last week, I shared in this-here blog that I had developed runner’s knee(s). Since the publication, countless readers – okay, maybe three or four – have reached out to inquire about the condition of my knees. I’m happy to report that they continue to improve. Indeed, I’ve been able to slowly resume exercising.

In other news, I’ve also been thinking about methylade, pronounced as muh-thigh-laid.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s a primer: the Neosporin of its time, methylade came in a little glass bottle. When one of us younglings would get a boo-boo, an adult would apply methylade to our injury with an eye dropper that came with the bottle.

Apparently, when methylade made contact with skin, the pain was so intense that younglings regretted mentioning said boo-boo to the adults. I don’t remember methylade causing pain, but I do remember that it turned my skin a coppery color. This phenomenon probably eased any pain that methylade might or might not have caused to my sensitive skin.

When I researched methylade, Google directed me to pages devoted to mercurochrome and merthiolate. Both products were banned in the 1990s because they contained mercury. As you might know, mercury poisoning can cause oodles of symptoms including diarrhea, vomiting, seizures, memory issues, and drooling.

Anyway, I’m not sure if methylade was supposed to be mercurochrome or merthiolate, but I’m leaning toward the later. I guess if you squint, plug your ears with cotton, and ignore the letter “r,” then merthiolate could be misread and/or misheard as methylade.

With that in mind, I wondered if the pronunciation was restricted to my family. After all, our late patriarch introduced us to such terms as Kolox, zink, and yemway. So it didn’t seem like a stretch to think that he had created his own pronunciation of merthiolate.

But then I remembered a work-related event I attended approximately six years ago that comprised an audience of Eastern Kentuckians. For a reason I can’t recall, a fellow attendee made a methylade-related joke, which caused everyone within earshot to chuckle. What’s more, thanks to my research, I discovered a few Pinterest posts and one blog that actually referred to methylade by name.

That means it’s not specific to my family. So, why did oodles of folks – definitely more than three or four – start calling merthiolate or, perhaps, mercurochrome, muh-thigh-laid?

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Welcome to the family — August 28, 2019

Welcome to the family

My mother has always cautioned that self-bragging is half scandal.

So, when I hear people boasting about their accomplishments or possessions or when I’m tempted to brag about my ability to eat an entire can of potato crisps in one evening, I’m reminded of her advice.

But one of my dreams has come true. So I’m throwing her caution to the wind and announcing to my dozen or so readers that my household has been selected to participate in an important research study.

That’s right.

The Nielsen company has reached out to me!

For those of you unfamiliar with Nielsen, maybe this snippet from the letter will prove illuminating: “Have you ever wondered how radio, television and other media outlets decide what shows to broadcast and cancel? In large part, those decisions are based on feedback from people like you.”

And by “you,” Nielsen means me.

I’ve been hoping to receive recognition from the company since I first heard of the Nielsen ratings in the 1980s. Back in the day, I wanted so badly to help decide which shows remained on air and which ones got the ax. And, at the sake of sounding boastful, I would have been such a good Nielsen family member because I used to watch the heck out of the TV. Believe me when I say that I watched it so much that there was no chance it was going anywhere.

Nowadays, I’m not so sure I’m a good fit for Nielsen. Although my television is dern-near always on, I don’t actually watch much TV. And I listen to the radio only when I’m forced to do so. Indeed, for question four – “In a typical day, how many hours of radio do you listen to?” – I’ll have to mark zero.

So I’m not sure how helpful I can be to my new friend, Nielsen, and that gives me a case of the sads.

After all, the letter explains that my household, which Nielsen characterizes as “unique,” “may receive cash rewards or check rewards” for participation. I’m not sure what a check reward is, but to thank me for doing something as simple as opening an envelope, Nielsen enclosed a crisp one dollar bill.

Due to such generosity and a decades-long dream, I really don’t want to let Nielsen down, especially since he and/or she addressed the letter to “Dear Area Household.”

Talk about a personal touch!

But I can’t exaggerate my TV viewing or outright lie about listening to the radio. I’m fairly certain that doing so would constitute a bigger scandal than bragging.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

A raccoon’s lifetime — August 21, 2019

A raccoon’s lifetime

Last week, police in a Florida town responded to a call at a school to find a raccoon trapped in a vending machine.

The photos that accompanied this breaking news, especially the one that showed the varmint with his/her head resting between bags of gummies, elicited an, “Ahh,” from me. And then I remembered that raccoons are disease-ridden, potential assassins.

Of course, it’s not that I dislike raccoons. In fact, as long as they’re not bothering me and mine, I mean them no ill will. After all, except for spreading rabies, roundworm, salmonella, and whatever giardiasis and leptospirosis are, I’m sure they also serve a positive purpose in the animal kingdom. But it’s been my experience that they’re not nearly as cuddly as they appear.

Then again, the only raccoon with whom I’ve been in close contact was in a cage. So, that could have accounted for the animal viciously baring its teeth and lunging toward me all the while snarling and hissing. This aggressive behavior convinced me that, if the raccoon were to break free, it would sink its sharp teeth and/or even sharper claws into my exposed jugular. (By the way, the animal was freed – far, far away from me – without injury to him/her or anyone else.)

This experience represents only one reason I’m apprehensive about raccoons. According to my late father, a raccoon slit the throat of one of his dogs. Now you know why I was so concerned for the safety of my jugular. (In an unrelated story, Daddy also told me about the time a fox bit the toe of another dog, which might or might not have belonged to my uncle. Yes, he used the word “toe.” And, yes, bad things apparently happened when the brothers Goff’s dogs encountered wild critters.)

As far as I know, the masked bandit who broke into the vending machine didn’t slit any throats, bite any toes, or give anyone rabies, roundworm, salmonella, and whatever giardiasis and leptospirosis are. Although none of the stories I read explained how the varmint gained access to the school or the vending machine, the reports did explain that authorities loaded the snack machine on a dolly, wheeled it outdoors, and released the animal on his/her own recognizance. I only hope he/she grabbed some Pop Tarts and potato chips for later.

See, I told you that I mean the disease-ridden, potential assassins no ill will.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

To the last drop — August 14, 2019

To the last drop

I haven’t felt my best the past few days. Due to my symptoms – runny nose, stuffy nose, post-nasal drip, head pain, itchy and scratchy throat, congestion, general malaise – the culprit could be allergies, the sinus, or a cold.

In an attempt to ward off whatever it is, I’ve been taking the generic equivalent of liquid Mucinex. Trust me. It tastes just as good as its brand name equivalent.

Indeed, when I take my dose of liquid goodness from the handy little measuring cup that’s included with the miracle medicine, I make sure I enjoy every drop. After initially chugging it, I tilt my head, hold the dosing cup above said head, and let the last of the medicine drip into my grateful mouth.

While I’m not prepared to say the taste of liquid mucus medicine, generic or otherwise, makes feeling unwell worth it, I am prepared to say it helps knowing that I get to chug that dosing cup every four hours.

Of course, long-time readers might recall that I’ve previously mentioned a fondness for cough syrup. So, they shouldn’t be surprised to learn that I also have a penchant for liquid (generic) Mucinex. (By the way, if I’m ever forced to choose between the two, I’m picking cough syrup.)

But what surprises me is that more people don’t enjoy liquid medicine. Upon learning that I do, some folks have recoiled in horror and all but puked on my shoes. While making Mr. Yuk faces, one friend negatively compared such medicines to the liquid antibiotics we took as a child.

Gasping, I said, “I loved the pink – or was it light orange? – stuff.”

As my friend continued to be horrified, I explained that as a wee lass, I would pick off the crusty remnants of the pink – or light orange – medicine that gathered around the top of the bottle. And, yes, I would then eat said crusty remnants.

Those were the days.

If you think I’m some sort of freak for having picked off – and ingested – crustified medicine from the side of a bottle, you should know that I seem to have inherited a taste for liquid medications. According to my mom, when she was a wee lass, she would sneak and drink Pepto-Bismol.

The last time I tried it, Pepto made me gag. But since we’re on the subject of antacids, I do enjoy an occasional dose of the generic equivalent of liquid Mylanta.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Bowled over — August 7, 2019

Bowled over

The one thing you need to keep in mind as you read this is that I am not a hoarder.

With that out of the way, you should also know that my cupboard is stocked with more than a dozen take-out salad bowls from such restaurants as Wendy’s and Panera and at least a half dozen plastic cups from the Double Kwik.

You might be saying to yourself, “Self, I reckoned she’d be too cheap to eat and/or drink from such fancy establishments. I’m kinda disappointed in her.”

I know how you feel. I’m disappointed in myself every time I order a tasty salad or pour myself a refreshing fountain drink. But I have to do something with all that change I pick up from various floors and parking lots. What’s more, keeping the bowls and cups allows me to re-use them.

For example, on the occasion of my recent Fourth of July Jubilee, I served my grateful guests drinks in the Double Kwik cups. Afterward, I washed the cups and returned them to the cupboard.

Of course, if my guests are reading this, they might be saying to themselves, “Selves, why didn’t she mention those plastic salad bowls when we were rummaging through her cupboards for Cool Whip bowls? We had to wrap up leftovers in paper towels.”

Well, I forgot about the existence of said bowls until I decided to make salads for my lunch. I don’t eat Cool Whip and, thus, do not have a cupboard filled with the hillbilly Tupperware, so I couldn’t figure out how I would transport the salads to work. Thankfully, whilst cleaning my kitchen, I spied the dozen or so salad bowls resting on the top shelf of my cupboard. Smiling, I retrieved four bowls and made enough salads for dern-near an entire week’s worth of lunch.

In case you’re wondering, the salads were my version of Panera’s strawberry poppy seed salad. However, after comparing the price of fresh berries with the price of frozen fruit, I settled for the frozen variety. Sure, this had a less tasty impact on the salads and rendered them a tad runny, but there’s only so much change lying on the ground.

Anyway, after eating the salads, I washed the bowls and put them back in the cupboard. There they will remain until I once again recall their existence or until my future Fourth of July Jubilee guests use them to transport leftovers.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Nothing is free — July 30, 2019

Nothing is free

This summer, Mountain Dew has been, according to the company’s website, “celebrating how fans in every single state get out and do,” by issuing bottles “inspired” by each of the 50 states. In addition to learning “what makes each state bold,” finding all 50 bottles will score you a $100 prepaid gift card.

Although this promotion started June 3 – and ends Aug. 10 – I didn’t learn of its existence until the other day. Considering that I’ve been subjected to just one sip of Mountain Dew during my existence, which happened when I accidentally sipped from a friend’s cup, my ignorance of their marketing campaign is not surprising.

What is surprising – at least to me – is that the company is awarding successful bottle hunters with only a $100 gift card.

I know that characterizing it as only $100 might sound a tad ironic coming from someone who keeps her eyes on the ground to spot dropped change. But the change I pocket is free money. Winners of this Mountain Dew contest will have to expend time, money, and effort to bag those gift cards.

Firstly, they’ll have to spend money to buy said bottles. They can get a six-pack of Mountain Dew at the Supercenter for approximately $2.88, plus tax. Assuming every six pack contains a different bottle, they’d still have to buy nine packs, at a cost of $25.92 plus tax, to accumulate all 50 bottles.

Sure, their return on investment would be more than $70, but that’s a best case scenario. Do we really think that someone will be able to find 50 different bottles in the first 50 they buy? Besides, if they’re buying single bottles, they can expect to spend more than $25.92, plus tax.

Secondly, and I think this is the most important point, they’re going to have to drink at least 50 bottles of Mountain Dew to bag those gift cards.

I might drink one bottle of Mountain Dew if you offered me a crisp $100 bill to do so. But at least 50 bottles that I had to purchase with my own money? I don’t think so.

Of course, I’m viewing this from the taste buds of someone who doesn’t do the Dew. If my favorite generic brand of oatmeal or dern-near any brand of plain potato chips had a similar promotion, I’d be skipping down the halls as I contemplated how to spend that gift card. So, if Mountain Dew fans were going to buy the product anyway, then I guess it is like free money for them.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Melt with you — July 10, 2019

Melt with you

This year for my annual Fourth of July Jubilee, I decided to surprise my guests with red, white, and blue strawberries. No, I’m not genetically engineering blue and white strawberries in my basement laboratory. But I am capable of melting almond bark.

At least I thought I was.

I spent the day before my jubilee readying for the event and debating with myself vis-a-vis whether I should dip the strawberries ahead of time or wait until my guests were knocking on the door. In the negative column for dipping them a day I early I noted that dipped strawberries tend to gather moisture overnight. But in the positive column I listed all the tasks I would need to complete before my guests knocked on the door. So, I took a chance, melted the almond bark, and commenced to dipping the berries.

At first, everything went swimmingly. Sure, I had to reheat the almond bark after lumps materialized, but it was worth the effort. Indeed, the contrast of the white almond bark on the red berries nearly blinded me, and I couldn’t wait to behold the strawberries in their full patriotic glory.

I would have to wait, however, until the white-dipped strawberries dried. In the meantime, I frosted cupcakes. Then, upon returning my attention to the strawberries, I melted more vanilla bark, which I tinted with blue gel coloring.

You might recall that I previously shared the saga of my disastrous attempt to melt white chocolate. As I would learn all those months ago, white chocolate does not easily melt. Instead, it seizes. As I would learn last week, almond bark does not easily accept coloring. Instead, it seizes. And by seizes, I mean it forms into clumps that, I imagine, would resemble mashed potatoes if the cook had forgotten to add butter and milk.

Looking back, I should have been suspicious when the recipes I reviewed suggested using tinted baking melts instead of almond bark. Yet, I said to myself, “Self, you don’t need baking melts. Just use the almond bark and blue gel coloring in your pantry and call it good.”

No one could describe that blue-colored blob in my mixing bowl as good looking.

It was late and I was tired. So, I put the white-dipped strawberries in a secure location. The next morning, I made an emergency trip to the metropolis and purchased a bag of navy blue baking melts.

The resulting red, white, and blue strawberries filled me with a patriotism I hadn’t felt since the American men’s swimming team chased down the French to win the 4X100 freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics. Sure, the strawberries had retained some moisture overnight, but that didn’t affect the taste. Just ask my guests, who gobbled up so many so fast that I considered making an emergency trip to the metropolis to buy more berries.

By the way, my subsequent research indicates that liquids cause almond bark to seize. It is recommended that you use paste or powder to tint it. Considering my history, I’ll stick with baking melts.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.