Of all the holidays, Easter offers the best candy.

You might be saying to yourself, “Self, has she forgotten the existence of Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day?”

No, but for the most part, those holidays simply slap different wrappings on the same candy available to us every day of the year. (Heart boxes are one of the exceptions, of course.)

Easter offers Brach’s fiesta pastel malted milk balls, Reese’s eggs, Cadbury eggs, and Cadbury mini eggs.

The malted milk balls are technically the only candy among these that can’t be found in stores the rest of the year. What’s more, it’s not always easy to find them at Eastertime. Indeed, you can more readily find imitations, but they are not worth your taste buds’ time.

Although the Brach’s crunchy malted milk balls are scrumptious, this year I had to know when to say when. I ate so many they caused a furious pain in my left jaw. Until I figured out the cause of said pain, I feared I was having a heart attack.

Next, we have Reese’s eggs. You might be saying to yourself, “Self, I thought she didn’t like peanut butter? And doesn’t she know you can buy Reese’s trees and pumpkins?”

Firstly, you’re right. I don’t eat peanut butter. But I can eat soft peanut butter cookies – do not try to serve me hard peanut butter cookies – and Reese’s Cups. Although I’ll eat a regular Reese’s in an emergency, I prefer the minis and the eggs.

Secondly, I’ve tried the Reese’s trees and pumpkins, but I don’t like the way they taste. They’re not nearly as scrumptious as the eggs.

Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a lunatic. I sound like the folks who refuse to eat certain colors of M&M’s because they claim they taste differently. I know the trees and pumpkins are legit the same as the eggs but in a different shape. That’s not going to convince me to eat them.

We close with the Cadbury eggs and mini eggs. The mini eggs remind me a bit of the Brach’s malted milk balls, but without the jaw-breaking pain. Due to their small size, one can pop the mini Cadbury eggs into one’s mouth like popcorn. Thankfully, I eat them sparingly or I would have mini egg elbow and be in a coma.

When I started eating regular Cadbury eggs all those years ago, they were so rich that I had to take copious sips of milk to finish one. Nowadays, I can make one egg disappear in two bites and without help from milk or water, and not just because they have decreased in size. I think I’ve built up an immunity to the richness.

You might be saying to yourself, “Self, doesn’t she know they sell those eggs at Halloween?”

Eggs at Halloween? That’s unnatural.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.