Michelle Goff, mystery writer

Mystery writer

New to me — June 7, 2023

New to me

/Michelle/Leave a comment

When I reconnected with a forever friend, she noted that I was still eating the same foods I ate decades ago. This seemed to comfort her. My refusal to try new food was like the equivalent of a well-worn sweater.

I have two reasons for not trying new food – I know what I like and if I choose something I might not like I’m wasting money and calories.

Maybe that’s three reasons.

Anyway, my resolve was tested when my niece invited me to breakfast with her, her husband, and their children aka my great-niece and great-nephew (emphasis on great) at the Taco Bell.

Although I love Taco Bell, I have never understood why they offer a breakfast menu. I’m a traditionalist when it comes to breakfast, and I’m not about to break my fast with a taco or a chalupa. But it was a chance to spend time with the family before we enjoyed another adventurous trip to the Lowe’s.

So, I studied the Taco Bell breakfast menu. In fact, I studied it repeatedly. As it turns out, Taco Bell serves burritos and quesadillas filled with breakfast items such as bacon, eggs, and sausage. Hmm. That’s what folks must mean when they refer to a breakfast burrito.

I decided that a cheesy bacon breakfast burrito, which also includes scrambled egg, didn’t look too bad especially if I substituted what I took to be nacho cheese with a three cheese blend. (I do not do nacho cheese, dear readers.) After all, I like bacon, three cheese blend, and the occasional scrambled egg. Even if I didn’t like the burrito, I would enjoy Taco Bell’s Dr Pepper. By the way, I don’t usually drink soda for breakfast, but one makes exceptions for the greatest Dr Pepper in the galaxy.

Morning arrived and we met in the parking lot. My great-niece was so excited for the Cinnabon Delights that she pulled on the door before the restaurant opened. Once it opened, we proceeded inside and placed our orders … and the associate advised us that the fountain machine had been acting up.

No!!!!!

Nevertheless, my great-niece filled my cup full of Dr Pepper – even a subpar Taco Bell Dr Pepper is better than most – and I bit into my first breakfast burrito.

Initially, I proclaimed it to be “not bad.” Then, I made my way to the bacon and three cheese blend and upgraded the review to “good.” Indeed, I can see another cheesy bacon breakfast burrito – with three blend cheese – in my future. But if you think I’m going to become the type of person who frequently selects different and/or new foods such as sausage or nacho cheese … yeah, that’s not happening.

I did, however, eat one of the Cinnabon Delights. It was okay, but I wouldn’t try to break down a door to get one.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Advertisement
Practical jokes — May 31, 2023

Practical jokes

/Michelle/Leave a comment

You might have heard some jokes or seen some memes that expose the truth about adulting.

My favorites go something like this… “you know you’re an adult if you have a favorite stovetop burner” and “no one ever talks about how much time you’ll debate keeping a cardboard box.”

It’s not so much that I have a favorite burner as it is that I have a least favorite – the one in the top right-hand corner. It’s one of the smaller burners and it seems so far away. To keep it from feeling left out, I heat the water for cocoa on that burner.

As for boxes…I recycle cardboard, so I keep boxes around for a while, but I don’t break them down until it’s time to go to the recycling receptacle. Why? Because one doesn’t just rid one’s life of a good cardboard box. I might need to store or transport important items like rocks in that box. And it never fails. As soon as I break down a box, I need one.

Anyway, I could create my own “you know you’re an adult…” jokes. For example, I also have a favorite spatula. One of my besties also has a favorite spatula. Well, she did until her husband accidentally destroyed it during a freak stand mixer accident. When she explained to him that he had ruined, albeit accidentally, her favorite spatula, he asked, “Who has a favorite spatula?”

Her answer: Everyone who bakes!

Whilst I haven’t polled every human in the galaxy who bakes, I’d say there’s a good chance that most bakers have a favorite spatula. My favorite has a nick in the silicone. Ever since my friend lost her favorite, I have feared that my spatula will be involved in some sort of tragic, baking-related accident.

Just as with the burner, I feel bad for my other spatulas. It’s as if they’re like the machines in Terminator 2: Judgment Day and have achieved self-awareness. Occasionally I’ll use one or more of them, so they’ll feel like they’re part of the team.

A few weeks ago, I added to the adulting jokes. Erroneously thinking I was out of toilet bowl cleaner, I picked up a brand I had never before used. Dear readers, the scent is so strong from said cleaner that your nose probably twitches every time I clean the commode. Maybe the power comes from the scent or from the bright blue color. All I know is that I don’t even have to use my toilet-cleaning brush. The cleaner works on its own to leave the bowl sparkling clean.

You know you’re an adult when you get so excited about toilet bowl cleaner that you tell random people about the product and mention it in this-here column.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

A goodwill gesture — May 24, 2023

A goodwill gesture

/Michelle/Leave a comment

Although this story ends with an “ahh, how sweet” moment, it begins with my great-niece and great-nephew, emphasis on great, having the time of their lives at the Lowe’s. No joke, dear readers. They were having so much fun exploring everything from patio furniture to gates that I legit asked if it was their first time at the store. Of course, I also enjoy trips to the Lowe’s, so maybe it runs in the family. By the way, I semi-joked that if my niece and nephew are any indication of how most kids act in the home improvement store, then schools should start taking field trips there.

After our adventure at the Lowe’s, we went to the Burger King for lunch. The children donned paper crowns. You know where this is going. My crown drew stares from our fellow diners, but it made the children smile, and that’s all that matters.

Next, everyone descended on my house so that my nephew-in-law could deposit my purchases, which he had transported from the Lowe’s in his pickup truck.

The children seemed to be having a good time. Not as good of a time as they’d had at the Lowe’s, but I don’t sell riding lawn mowers.

Anyway, near the end of the visit, my niece asked if she could pet my cat, Cady. As you might remember, at one point a cat army protected the perimeter. Nowadays, I live with only one cat. She’s 18 years old. That’s 88 in human years. When Cady was younger, she was, uh, I’ll say assertive. So assertive that I wouldn’t leave her unsupervised with others. Indeed, my great-niece knew to ask if Cady was the cat who would scratch her eyes out.

I told her Cady would have done so at one point, but she was too old now. It would be okay to pet her.

She petted Cady.

And Cady hissed so assertively that my niece fled from the house in tears.

I felt bad. I went outside and she cried, “You said it would be okay.” I apologized. We hugged and she assured me things were fine between us.

Now, I need to rewind this story. A few weeks ago, I found a googly-eyed toy the children had left at my house. I handed it to my niece on this visit, telling her I had found a toy belonging to her and her brother.

Well, when her brother saw it in her hands, he wanted it immediately, if not sooner. After I decided that she’d held it long enough, I told her to give it to him. She did. He had it when she fled from the house in tears.

And when he saw that his sister was upset, he handed her the toy.

Ahh, how sweet.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

A league of their own — May 17, 2023

A league of their own

/Michelle/3 Comments

There’s an old saying that we should never meet our heroes. As I don’t have heroes, I can’t speak to that. But having met one of my two favorite living authors last week, I can say that meeting someone I admire was pretty expletive awesome.

This saga begins a couple months ago when my bestie texted and asked if I had time for a chat. She had a proposition that would be best explained on the phone. Intrigued, I told her to call.

On the phone, she explained that author Ann Patchett – aka one of my two favorite living authors – would be interviewing Tom Hanks – yes, the Tom Hanks – in Nashville in May about Hanks’ novel. Said bestie had purchased two tickets, but her husband had a conflict and wouldn’t be able to accompany her to the event.

I exclaimed something like, “I’m in!”

The ticket was embarrassingly inexpensive, especially given the opportunity to listen to a conversation between Tom Hanks – yes, the Tom Hanks – and Ann, as my bestie and I refer to Patchett. I would have been stupid to pass up that opportunity. Besides, attendees would receive a copy of Hanks’ book.

So, on the day of the event, I drove three hours to my bestie’s house and hopped in her car, and then we drove another three hours to Nashville. We arrived at the venue an hour and a half before the start time. By the way, when our Uber driver learned why we were in Nashville, he asked, “You came down here for that?”

Yes, my dude, we did.

Anyway, the event was wonderful. Ann, an excellent interviewer, sat back and allowed Hanks to talk. And talk he did. He was charming and hilarious as he discussed his book, The Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece, and shared anecdotes from his career. I can’t remember when I’ve laughed so much in a 90-minute timespan. I believe Hanks would have continued talking all night if Ann hadn’t reminded him of the time.

By the way, when he said, “A movie is made for an audience of one,” I felt like he was speaking to an audience of one.

The next morning, I rolled out of bed at the hotel, took a shower, dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, said, “Good enough,” and hit the road. After all, we were just going to Ann’s bookstore, Parnassus Books, and then heading home. Who was I going to see?

Ann expletive Patchett! That’s who we saw!

Let me back up. Even before we met Ann, I had enjoyed my visit to Parnassus Books. As my bestie and I perused books, a lady from Ohio, who had also come to Nashville for the event, overheard me talking about Richard Russo, my other favorite living author, and approached me. She said she doesn’t run into many Russo enthusiasts. Neither do I, so I’m glad I got to talk to another one.

Back to meeting Ann…as the employee at Parnassus Books helped with my order, my bestie ran up to me. With wild eyes, she cried, “Ann is here!”  

She told me she was going to try to arrange a meeting. A few minutes later, I heard my bestie laughing. I said to myself, “Self, she did it.”

I nearly ran to the back of the store where I found my bestie chatting with Ann.

Yes, the Ann Patchett.

Here’s what our friends at Wikipedia say about Ann, “She received the 2002 PEN/Faulkner Award and the Orange Prize for Fiction in the same year, for her novel Bel Canto. Patchett’s other novels include The Patron Saint of Liars (1992), Taft (1994), The Magician’s Assistant (1997), Run (2007), State of Wonder (2011), Commonwealth (2016), and The Dutch House (2019). The Dutch House was a finalist for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.”

I’ve read all those books, except for Taft, which as it turns out, I had already planned to start next week. Ann seemed surprised that my bestie and I heaped praise on earlier works like The Magician’s Assistant. She might also have been a bit overwhelmed by us. I think at some point, I called her, “Sis.” I also told her I started Commonwealth in my gynecologist’s office. She simply replied, “As one does.”

Ann was delightful and gracious, agreeing to pose for photos with us. When she heard I was a Russo fan, she told me he would be at Parnassus Books in July. She also hugged my bestie.

My bestie earned that hug. If not for her, I wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to spend an evening laughing with Tom Hanks or a morning meeting Ann Patchett.

Yes, the Ann Patchett.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Veggie tales — May 10, 2023

Veggie tales

/Michelle/3 Comments

Like many people, I struggle to fit enough vegetables into my diet. It’s a bit easier during spring and summer because of my lifelong love of fresh green beans. Indeed, once as a wee lass growing up on the Goff Estate, I legit ate so many green beans that I couldn’t move.

Of course, I prefer green beans to be seasoned by copious slices of bacon aka one of the world’s most perfect foods. Last year, I legit covered beans with so many slices of bacon that the resulting meal raised my blood pressure.

When fresh green beans aren’t in season, canned and frozen green beans will do, and I also eat salads, but if I prepare my own, I tire of them after a couple days. I also tire of frozen broccoli and asparagus after a while. (Pro tip: Do not engage with canned asparagus.)

At the beginning of this year and/or the end of last year, I accidentally added more veggies to my diet. This story begins a couple years ago when I found a fancy holiday cookbook among my oldest sister’s books. I told her that cookbook looked like something I would enjoy perusing and I walked out of the house with it in my possession. She has a different interpretation of events that includes the word “stole.” Her accusation wounds me.

Anyway, a recipe for pork chops with roasted green beans and pecans from that cookbook intrigued me and I tried it at the beginning of this year and/or the end of last year. (Those days run together.) The pork chop was serviceable, but it wasn’t something I intended to try again.

But those roasted green beans and pecans were so tasty that I added them to my repertoire. It’s a simple recipe. You combine frozen beans and olive oil and then spread the beans on a jelly roll pan and bake at 450 degrees until they are tender and slightly browned. Then, you stir the pecans and some butter into the beans and bake until the pecans are golden.

I’ve modified the recipe to suit my busy life. I also alternate between green beans and broccoli. And I’m sure I eat enough pecans in that one serving to surpass my suggested daily caloric input. That’s surprising to me because I don’t even like pecans.

But roasting the nuts and the veggies together, with a little olive oil, improves the taste of both. As I am not a scientist or a foodie, I cannot explain this phenomenon. I can only eat it.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Expanding universe — May 3, 2023

Expanding universe

/Michelle/Leave a comment

My great-niece and great-nephew, emphasis on great, finally saw The Super Mario Bros. Movie this weekend.

I haven’t talked to them about the experience, but their mom, my niece, said they had an “awesome” time.

I’m happy for them and everyone else who enjoyed the movie. Indeed, I’m glad the video game franchise brings so much joy to so many. But the Mario universe confuses the expletive out of me.

For starters, why are plumbers fighting all these villains? (By the way, my great-niece has started using the word villains to describe the bad guys in TV shows or movies. She is as adorable as she is smart.) I wish I had plumbing skills, but if I were fighting giant turtles, I wouldn’t call plumbers for help.

At least I believe Bowser, the main villain, is a turtle. I think he looks more like a dragon, but I didn’t know until a couple years ago that Mario got his start in a Donkey Kong game or that Donkey Kong wears a tie, so don’t come to me for your Mario intel. (I did know that Donkey Kong is a gorilla. I’m not completely oblivious.)

The day I learned Donkey Kong was part of the Mario universe, I also learned he has a family. My nieces, great-niece, and great-nephew paid no attention to my many Donkey Kong-related questions including: Why does he wear a tie? Does he work in an office? If so, what does he do for a living?

It’s as if they didn’t care.

I also don’t understand the point of the mushrooms and the coins in the series. What is Mario doing with all that money? He also frequently uses his head to break bricks and blocks. And the only protection he has for his head is a cap. I fear he has severe brain damage from all that head banging.

But nothing slows him and the other characters down. In Mario Kart, they race go carts…on land, in the water, everywhere.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am terrible at video games. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I didn’t come in last place in a spirited family Mario Kart race last year. That is, I was feeling pretty good until my niece pointed out that the only player I bested was my then-4-year-old great-nephew.

Anyway, when my great-niece started getting into Mario as a toddler, she talked about princesses and Luigi and the aforementioned Bowser. So ignorant was my knowledge of Mario that I thought these were new characters. Then I learned they’d been around forever. It’s like they’re characters in a soap opera.

She also gave all of us Mario personas. Who was I?

Bowser. The villain.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Nature vs. nature — April 26, 2023

Nature vs. nature

/Michelle/1 Comment

Last week my sister told us that a kid at her school asked who would win in a potential match-up between an owl and a coyote.

The child’s question captivated me. I initially decided a coyote would win because they’re lean and mean killing machines. But an owl has the advantage of flight and could pick up a coyote with its sharp talons, so advantage owl, right?

Then I decided I couldn’t be sure what would happen if the owl touched down and stood face-to-face with a ticked off coyote.

Regardless, a 6-year-old boy and I apparently share similar thoughts. Some years ago, I devoted a column to an ongoing discussion my youngest niece and I have regarding who would win if a shark and a lion fought.

I decided on those two combatants because of the shark’s reputation as a dead-eyed assassin and because the lion is known as the King of the Jungle. In hindsight, I should have selected a tiger because that majestic animal is a beast and the real king.

Days after my sister told us about the inquisitive little boy’s query, I asked if his question had been answered to his satisfaction. She said it had not because he had moved onto other questions like who would win between a lion and a tiger and a shark and a whale.

I gave the correct answer – tiger – to the first question. Indeed, my sister said the teacher researched these questions for the child and that was the consensus. But my answer – shark – to the second question was wrong.

Admittedly, I do not tune in to Shark Week programming. I’m more of a Big Cat Week kind of gal. Nevertheless, this answer rocked my world. I’ve seen Finding Nemo. I’m aware of dangers that lurk in the waters, but I’ve long considered the shark to be the tiger of the ocean. Now you’re telling me a whale can kill a shark?

My nephew-in-law, who is a Shark Week kind of guy, said that killer whales are living up to their names as killers. In fact, they’re killing sharks for their…livers. I guess killer whales are suffering from iron deficiencies.

I had so many questions including: Is this a new turn of events? Have whales just developed anemia? Have they just recently learned sharks have livers? Are they removing only the livers? If so, how?

I asked a couple of these question before saying, “No, I don’t want to know.”

But I did want to know. So, I consulted our friend Google. I found a story, read a couple paragraphs, and decided that I do not, in fact, want to know.

However, now I want to know who would win a match-up between a killer whale and a tiger.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

More of my favorite videos — April 19, 2023

More of my favorite videos

/Michelle/Leave a comment

As promised, this is the second installment of my favorite music videos from the 1980s. Last week, I named Beat It, Love Is a Battlefield, I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues, I’m Still Standing, and Never Tear Us Apart, as favorites.

As a reminder, you can watch these videos and more on Vevo’s ’80s music video channel. As another reminder, I’m not classifying these as the best ever. Well, unless they’re some of the best ever at making me smile and/or laugh.

Hello: This video is so unintentionally funny that I dern-near hyperventilate whenever I am fortunate enough to catch it on the video channel. Lionel Richie plays an acting and/or theater teacher who has feelings for a blind student. Said student feels the same – this was the ’80s, of course she had feelings for her much older teacher – and sculpts a bust of him to show him how she sees him. Throughout the video, Lionel pops up behind her, singing, “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” He even creepily calls her at night and sings the words to her. This was the ’80s, so, of course, she didn’t find this creepy at all. Anyway, at the beginning of the video, the student improvises a scene with a male student. Said male student plays a character who’s just been released from prison after pulling a long sentence. His character’s name is Tony Billy Boy aka the best name ever.

Hungry Like the Wolf: This Duran Duran video finds four members of the band looking for the fifth in Sri Lanka…why am I trying to explain this? It’s Duran Duran. Their songs and videos make no sense. That’s part of their appeal. Just sing along and enjoy the show.

Mad About You: I love everything about this video – Belinda Carlisle’s clothes, her hair, her makeup, her sunglasses, the way she dances and flirts with her real-life boyfriend/future husband, the house in which they romp, the way she walks. It is perfection.

Smuggler’s Blues and You Belong to the City: Both Glenn Frey videos had ties to the hit show, Miami Vice. My favorite part of Smuggler’s Blues, which plays like a Miami Vice episode in four minutes, is when Glenn sings lyrics to the song during his police interrogation. Just as I believe that dancing solves conflicts, I also believe more people should sing during police interrogations. You Belong to the City finds Glenn walking in the city, meeting a woman, and leaving her apartment building the next morning. I don’t like when he switches off the security guard’s TV, though. That seems unnecessary. (Earlier in the video, Miami Vice plays on various TVs.) Since I’ve included two Glenn Frey songs, you might think I’m a fan. You would be wrong. But Smuggler’s Blues, in spite of the drug-smuggling theme and multiple murders, is a fun video. You Belong to the City captured the essence of the song and of the time.

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Here’s what you’ve been waiting for – my favorite video of all time. Bonnie Tyler’s epic earns that distinction, in part, because it features dancing ninjas. I chose this video for an assignment on hidden psychological meanings in videos during my short-lived stay in grad school. (I received an A on the assignment.) Bonnie plays a teacher at a boarding school who, in a dream, encounters young men presented as football players, swimmers, fencers, angels, and, of course, dancing ninjas, as she runs through a Gothic mansion. If you know what to look for – and, believe me, I do – the video is quite suggestive. According to a book I read about MTV, when Bonnie figured out what was going on, she called the director a “prevert.” I laughed and laughed when I read that and pledged my eternal devotion to the video and to Bonnie’s hair.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

I want my favorite videos — April 12, 2023

I want my favorite videos

/Michelle/2 Comments

Four months ago, I made a discovery of epic proportions. My streaming TV service had started offering music video channels.

Oh, it got better. One of the channels is devoted to airing videos from the 1980s.

I love music videos. If you’re of a certain age, you might be nodding your head in agreement, but there’s no way you love music videos as much as I do. In fact, I’ve encountered exactly one person whose passion for videos might match mine. I say this because, like me, she can recall dance moves and costumes from absurd and/or lesser known videos. When I send her a message with the breaking news that they’re playing a certain video, she’ll respond with a fact about said video.

It gives me hope for humanity.

Thanks to these Vevo music video channels, I’ve decided to share my favorite ‘80s videos with the world. Or at least with my dear readers. But if you’re expecting to find the videos that frequent greatest-of-all-time lists, you might be disappointed. Oh, there are a couple GOATs on here, but for the most part, these videos simply make me laugh or smile. What can I say? I like to be amused.

Beat It: Although this Michael Jackson video is my pick as the greatest of all time, it is not my favorite video of all time. You’ll have to wait until next week for that big reveal. Regardless, I sat up on weekend nights, waiting for this video to air on Night Tracks. I felt the excitement in my chest as soon as I saw the opening shot in the diner. The video no longer gives me the vapors, but I appreciate the artistry and the dancing. I love to watch people dance well. Gosh, wouldn’t the world be better if dancing solved all conflicts. I also love how the one gang member has all that flair on his jacket. If I’m ever in a rumble, I will make sure my jacket is teeming with flair.

Love Is a Battlefield: This video captivated and confused my young self and not only because 30-year-old Pat Benatar plays a teenage runaway. After she leaves home, Pat’s character moves to the city and dances with men – for money? – and under the watchful eyes of a creepy man. Pat’s character and her fellow dancers look like they rummaged through my mom’s quilt pieces box for the material to make their outfits. Near the video’s end, Pat and the other dancers prove again that dancing can solve conflicts when they stand up to the creepy man and dance into the sunrise.

I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues and I’m Still Standing: I’m including two Sir Elton John videos for reasons. In I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues we see a British man and his girl frolicking before he joins army. We also see how they deal with their separation. As if I didn’t already know, the video made me realize I could never get through basic training. Much like the guy, I would lie down in a rain-soaked road and cry. The video is set in the ‘50s and I love it when the guy lifts up the girl and her full skirt twirls around. I’m Still Standing makes the list because, all these decades after I first saw it as a sleepy kid, it still makes me smile. I love so much about it – the colors, the way Sir Elton catches the cane, how everyone is just so happy. Yes, there’s dancing in both videos. I told you, dear readers, I love to watch people dance well.

Never Tear Us Apart: There is no dancing in this INXS video, which is set in Prague on a dreary gray day. Everyone looks miserable and it’s so cold that when the band members breathe you can see their breath. They walk through a cemetery and old men play violins near the river. It is beautiful.

Come back next week for more of my favorite videos including my favorite of all time.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.

Every bunny loves candy — April 5, 2023

Every bunny loves candy

/Michelle/2 Comments

Of all the holidays, Easter offers the best candy.

You might be saying to yourself, “Self, has she forgotten the existence of Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day?”

No, but for the most part, those holidays simply slap different wrappings on the same candy available to us every day of the year. (Heart boxes are one of the exceptions, of course.)

Easter offers Brach’s fiesta pastel malted milk balls, Reese’s eggs, Cadbury eggs, and Cadbury mini eggs.

The malted milk balls are technically the only candy among these that can’t be found in stores the rest of the year. What’s more, it’s not always easy to find them at Eastertime. Indeed, you can more readily find imitations, but they are not worth your taste buds’ time.

Although the Brach’s crunchy malted milk balls are scrumptious, this year I had to know when to say when. I ate so many they caused a furious pain in my left jaw. Until I figured out the cause of said pain, I feared I was having a heart attack.

Next, we have Reese’s eggs. You might be saying to yourself, “Self, I thought she didn’t like peanut butter? And doesn’t she know you can buy Reese’s trees and pumpkins?”

Firstly, you’re right. I don’t eat peanut butter. But I can eat soft peanut butter cookies – do not try to serve me hard peanut butter cookies – and Reese’s Cups. Although I’ll eat a regular Reese’s in an emergency, I prefer the minis and the eggs.

Secondly, I’ve tried the Reese’s trees and pumpkins, but I don’t like the way they taste. They’re not nearly as scrumptious as the eggs.

Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a lunatic. I sound like the folks who refuse to eat certain colors of M&M’s because they claim they taste differently. I know the trees and pumpkins are legit the same as the eggs but in a different shape. That’s not going to convince me to eat them.

We close with the Cadbury eggs and mini eggs. The mini eggs remind me a bit of the Brach’s malted milk balls, but without the jaw-breaking pain. Due to their small size, one can pop the mini Cadbury eggs into one’s mouth like popcorn. Thankfully, I eat them sparingly or I would have mini egg elbow and be in a coma.

When I started eating regular Cadbury eggs all those years ago, they were so rich that I had to take copious sips of milk to finish one. Nowadays, I can make one egg disappear in two bites and without help from milk or water, and not just because they have decreased in size. I think I’ve built up an immunity to the richness.

You might be saying to yourself, “Self, doesn’t she know they sell those eggs at Halloween?”

Eggs at Halloween? That’s unnatural.

This post originally appeared in the Appalachian News-Express.